


Quynh and Sebastian are Wolverine?

by squireofgeekdom



Category: End Times (Web Series), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:02:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27688673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squireofgeekdom/pseuds/squireofgeekdom
Summary: (The common room outside the Greenden laboratory. Charlie is writing on a whiteboard. ‘Quynh and Sebastien are Wolverine’)Trace: Charlie insisted we film this conversation so we have it on the record.Harry: And I still contend this is ridiculous.Charlie: Really? You, Mr. Paranoid, don’t think there’s anything weird going on with those two?Harry: Nothing that requires invoking the X-Men! This isn’t - sci fi and super heroes -Charlie: Dear, we live in the post-apocalypse.Harry: Don’t misquote Firefly at me.Kimber: (indistinct) It’s not the apocalypse.
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'd say this is the niche crossover nobody asked for, but it's actually the niche crossover exactly one person asked for. Happy Birthday, dearest. 
> 
> This is set somewhere in End Times season 3 and several years after the Old Guard movie, fudging timelines a little. If you're familiar with End Times but not with the Old Guard, good news, none of the Sur5ors know what's going on with these people either. If you know the Old Guard but not End Times, go check out End Times for a bunch of nerds trying to survive and rebuild post not-apocalypse!

[The following is a transcript of a video recording found in the Independent Information Initiative records, from a set recovered from Burtke custody. The original video footage no longer survives]

[Witt stares at the camera for a few moments in silence.]

Witt: Sorry. I -

Witt: These - this clip - uh - they’re - they’re discussing two people who - who we haven’t seen before properly - I mean, there’s the glimpse of the two other people with the trading caravan, back on the first card, and - and based on what they say about where these two - Quynh and Sebastien - came from, they say it was the same traders they came in with, so it must be - it must be them. And then - there was the clip on this same card - they were singing that song again and there was that  _ voice  _ and I couldn’t match it to anyone - 

[Witt takes a moment to recover herself]

Witt: I went back to the first card, back to the clips of the caravan. Quynh, her face is never on camera, but Sebastien, there’s a bit where Trace is filming the traders from the car, where you see him from a distance - so they  _ do _ show up on film - and - [Witt pulls out a printout and holds it up to the camera] this is the best quality image we had, and I didn’t place it, but - once they started talking about them being - I recognized it. Here -

[Witt slides a box across the desk]   
  
Witt: This is from Mr. Copley’s things. I remember him from when I came to the Burtkes - he passed just a few years after the virus, when I was just starting my training. It was very sudden - there was an incursion. A few people looking to steal resources, disorganized. They got lucky. Nothing like that would happen now, of course, our defenses are much better. But it was a tense time in the house, I mean, as far as I could tell, being nine, when we got back. I wasn’t there. I remember I had been out with Comm and the others for the week, it was one of our first training missions where we got to get outside the main Burtke grounds - train survival skills, tracking. 

[Witt grins, laughs.] 

Witt: The General’s wife shared the last marshmallows that had been stored from pre-vi after we constructed our first shelters. They were hard as rock, but. 

[Pause]   
  
Witt: And then we got back, and he was -

[Pause]

Witt: That would have been - four, no, three years after the virus. Around when this - this footage would have been shot actually. 

[Pause] 

Witt: I wonder if he knew… 

[Witt shakes her head]

Witt: The pictures! Mr. Copley had kept these in a lock box with some other things - these were under a false bottom, but. Well. I didn’t make it to where I am without knowing how to pick locks and spot false bottoms. Just because I haven’t been in the Intelligence Branch for long - 

[Pause]   
  
Witt: The pictures - they seem like they were part of a much larger collection. There’s notes that reference other things that just - aren’t here. There are three left, and this one - 

[Witt holds a photo up to the camera]

Witt: That’s not crazy, right? That could be the same person. Copley labeled him ‘Booker’, not Sebastien, and I don’t know how you get -- but that’s from 1863. And the other people in the photo - they’re in the other two photos - 

[Witt holds up two additional photos]

Witt: 1917 and 1968 - there’s that one labeled ‘Booker’ but you can’t see his face, but Joe, Nicky - you can see them in all three, and Andy in these two, and - 

Witt: That would mean Booker - Sebastian - he’s been alive for - I mean, from how old he looks in those pictures - well over a hundred, early two hundred years old  _ at least.  _ And he looks the same. And Joe and Nicky and Andy - 

[Pause]

Witt: I wonder what happened to them?

[Pause]

Witt: Copley knew about them. It’s like - it’s like he was trying to put together a record of them, these four people. Who they were. What they did. Looking back at history - and this is what survived. 

[Pause]

Witt: And Charlie - Charlie was insisting that there was something about them, that they had been alive for longer than any human should. Sebastien and Quynh.

Witt: Quynh. I wonder why she isn’t in any -

[Pause]

Witt: I mean, most of what they’re - Charlie and Harry and the others - are talking about is - incomprehensible nonsense, but. 

[Pause]

Witt: What if he was  _ right?  _ I mean, that’s crazy, right? But - 

[Witt shakes her head]

Witt: Well. You can watch for yourself. [Witt laughs] Whoever’s watching these.   
  
Witt: I will continue to examine the rest of the clips for any reference to - these four, or - Quynh. Until the - 

[Witt shakes her head and hits the space bar]

===

6-2025-3   
Clip 184

(The common room outside the Greenden laboratory. Charlie is writing on a whiteboard. ‘Quynh and Sebastien are Wolverine’)

Trace: Charlie insisted we film this conversation so we have it on the record.

Harry: And I still contend this is ridiculous.

Charlie: Really? You, Mr. Paranoid, don’t think there’s anything weird going on with those two?

Harry: Nothing that requires invoking the  _ X-Men! _ This isn’t - sci fi and super heroes -

Charlie: Dear, we live in the post-apocalypse.   
  
Harry: Don’t misquote Firefly at me.    
  
Kimber: (indistinct) It’s not the apocalypse.

(Charlie continues writing. ‘Quynh and Sebastien are Vampires’)   
  
Harry: Okay, this is just -  _ we’ve seen them both in sunlight! _

Trace: And they didn’t even sparkle.   
  
Harry: Oh god, please don’t. 

Charlie: Not all vampires get killed by sunlight! Dracula -    
  
Harry: Well,  _ which  _ Dracula?

Kimber: Why am I here, again? I don’t know anything about your - weird comic book stuff.   
  
Charlie: We need an objective observer.   
  
(Harry snorts.)   
  
Charlie: We are going to lay out the evidence and figure out what is going on with Quynh and Booker.   
  
Harry: Oh, is that what we’re doing? Well then you’re ignoring the null hypothesis:  _ they’re just human.  _ Because we live in  _ reality. _

Charlie: You know what? Fine.    
  
(Charlie writes ‘Quynh and Sebastien are human’ in a third column.)

Harry: So,  _ not _ killed by sunlight.

(Charlie writes a ‘pro’ and ‘con’ column under each of the three columns. ‘Not killed by sunlight’ goes in the vampire - con column.)   
  
Trace: (indistinct) No claws.   
  
Charlie: That we know of! 

Harry: Way, way too tall.

Kimber: Which one was Wolverine?   
  
Trace: Hugh Jackman.    
  
Charlie: Could heal from any injury, basically immortal -   
  
Harry:  _ Not  _ immortal - !   
  
Charlie: He was alive for hundreds of years!   
  
Harry: Death of Wolverine -

Charlie:  _ Basically  _ immortal,  _ basically -! _

Harry: Also, we all know Laura Kinney was the better Wolverine.   
  
Charlie: True but  _ definitely not the point, Harry. _ _  
_ _  
_ Harry: Right, because the  _ point  _ is that  _ you  _ think we have two ‘basically immortal’ X-Men just living in our midst.

Charlie: Look, it would explain why there are two forty-somethings running around when everyone still alive is barely in college.   
  
Harry: Dr. Ramirez is still alive - what, do you think she’s a vampire too?

Charlie: Listen - listen - they  _ never  _ let Trace film them -

Harry: And? They’re private people.    
  
Charlie: Or  _ they don’t show up on film.  _ (Charlie writes ‘don’t show up on film?’ in the vampire - pro column)

Trace: Does that even apply to digital film?

Harry: I think it had to do with the silver in photographic film, same with mirrors, so -    
  
Charlie:  _ Maybe _ it’s a force of habit to avoid being photographed or filmed, you know? To cover the secret.   
  
Trace: Yeah, otherwise you end up like Keanu Reeves, and everyone knows you’re immortal because of old pictures.

Charlie: I thought that was paintings?   


Harry: C’mon, Charlie.   
  
(Charlie crosses off ‘don’t show up on film?’. He adds an additional column labeled ‘Immortal???’ and writes ‘avoid being filmed (to avoid records?)’ )

Trace: (indistinct) Not like anyone is going to see these anyway.

Dane (offscreen): Oh, what, are we --  _ what _ is this? 

Harry: Oh,  _ good,  _ Dane, can  _ you  _ tell Charlie this is ridiculous?   
  
Dane: What, those two?  _ You  _ don’t think there’s something weird going on with them? You  _ do  _ know what  _ Le Livre _ does with the lab time he  _ somehow  _ gets?    
  
Harry: Oh god, not this again. You  _ know _ he’s also working on developing inks -

Dane: He makes explosives!

Harry: And you can  _ really  _ throw stones about explosives.    
  
Dane:  _ I  _ am a _ chemist.  _ What  _ he  _ is I don’t know, but - 

Harry: He used to be military, pre-vi,  _ obviously,  _ haven’t you - 

Dane: Ah, but whose military? That’s the part where - 

Kimber: French.

(Pause as everyone looks at Kimber.) 

Kimber: What? I talk to him. Besides, his name. (Pause) Anyway, Adrian gets along with him. 

(Uncomfortable silence)

Harry: Yeah, who Adrian likes might not be the best barometer of who’s trustworthy. (Pause) What?! He’s a nice kid. He gets along with most people. 

Dane: So you concede my point.

Harry: What? I - no! 

Trace: Well, it’s not like he’s from the Federal Reconflaguration Bureau - 

Harry: Now  _ that’s  _ the place to look for  _ vampires… _

Kimber: I think he’s just trying to look out for Adrian. And it’s not like I’m not going to complain about having more people looking out for him. 

[uncomfortable silence]

Trace: So he just saw a kid with no parents and thought ‘well, shit, better teach him how to fight.’

Harry: So he’s basically Batman.

Trace: (snorts) I mean. He’s already got the gargled-gravel  _ Batman _ voice going on.    
  
Harry: (mock-Batman voice)  _ Tell me where the girl is.  _

Charlie: Guys -

Dane: No, no, we’re putting this on the board. If  _ ‘vampires’  _ goes on - (Writes ‘Sebastien is Batman’; under ‘pro’ he writes ‘gravel, orphan mentorship’, under ‘con’ he writes ‘uses guns’ and underlines it.)   
  
Trace: Last I checked, Gotham isn’t in Arizona.    
  
Harry: Hard to brood on top of a cactus, probably.   
  
Trace: A real gargoyle shortage in Arizona, I hear. 

Kimber: … Batman isn’t French, is he?   
  
Trace, Harry, Charlie: No.    
  
(Dane adds ‘Last lived in Arizona’ and ‘French’ to the ‘cons’ column.)

Trace: You know, people in Gotham definitely thought Batman was a vampire, right?   
  
Harry: Oh, absolutely. 

Kimber: He likes cats. I don’t know how he feels about bats.   
  
Trace: (laughs)   
  
Harry: Yeah, liking cats works as a Batman point.   
  
(Dane writes ‘likes cats’ under the ‘pro’ column)

Charlie: Aren’t we forgetting about Quynh?

Harry: We’re talking about DC, Charlie. You think they’re going to remember a Vietnamese woman for more than five minutes? Not that they really care about disambiguating Asian characters from one another -    
  
Trace: I’m still not over what they did to Cass - 

Dane: Oh no, please don’t get him started. 

Harry: The ending of Cassandra’s run as Batgirl undermines  _ everything  _ about the character, and then DC somehow managed to make it  _ worse _ , and that’s not even getting into - 

Dane: Now you’ve done it.

Trace: Well, we all know this one, so I’m going to charge the cam --

===

6-2025-3   
Clip 185

Harry: - yes, Trace, I am  _ deeply  _ offended that you did not preserve my opinions on the ending of the 2000 Batgirl run for the ‘historical record’. Such a shame.

Trace: You say that now -

Dane: Yes, the nascent post-apocalyptic comic book industry will have to make do without your scintillating opinions on how not to end a comic book series with murder. 

Harry: I think the post apocalyptic comic book industry will be more worried about learning how to make paper and ink from scratch. 

Charlie: Wait wait hang on. 

[silence]

Trace: ...Charlie?

Charlie: Guys. What if she’s Wonder Woman.

(Pause)

Trace: Hundreds of years old, super strong, healing factor, I mean -    
  
Harry: Y’know what? Put it on the board, it might be the least implausible thing up there. 

(Dane writes ‘Quynh is Wonder Woman’ on the board.)

Charlie: Does that make Sebastien Steve Trevor?

Harry: As military guy sidekick, yes, as love interest, no. 

Charlie: Why not? They seem -    
  
Harry, Trace, Dane: She’s gay dude. 

(Pause) 

(Laughter)

Charlie: I. Did not know that. 

Trace: (rainbow hands gesture) The more you know!   
  
(Continued laughter)

Charlie: So is Booker still Batman?

Harry: Hang on - has anyone actually confirmed super strength or a healing factor for Quynh? Or either of them? Just because they don’t have to have Anna patch them up as often as we do - 

Dane: So you’re not asking about the ‘hundreds of years’ old thing.

Harry: I’m picking my battles.

Trace: _ I’m _ just glad we all agree that Batman is basically Wonder Woman’s sidekick.

Harry: I mean, obviously. 

Dane: But of course, it’s more interesting if there are endless Batman movies about him being solitary and brooding as he bears his ‘terrible burdens’ alone and  _ not talking to anyone - _

Harry: Listen, there’s a  _ reason  _ there was only a year where Batman was a solo hero before DC introduced Robin. If people want to write an angsty, solitary revenge-obsessed guy beating up criminals, go over to Marvel and write the Punisher! Batman’s going to be understandable when he cares about  _ protecting  _ people - keeping them from being in all that - angst and whatever. Sometimes he does hard things, or - or keeps things from people, but it’s  _ because  _ he’s trying to keep the people he cares about safe, and - and as happy as they can be, in - Gotham.   
  
(Pause)   
  
Harry: Just like - give Batman a  _ team _ to protect. Give him his friends in the Justice League, or give him his Batkids - or hell, do both! He’s not meant to be  _ alone. _

(Pause)   
  
Trace: Y’know, they should have made a Batman Beyond movie.   
  
Harry:  _ Now  _ we’re on to something. Except with none of the bullshit about - 

Charlie: Can we focus?   
  
Harry: On what? Deciding whether the two adults at Fort Hadley are from DC or Marvel?

Trace: You know we’re all actually -

Harry: Adult-adults. You know what I mean.

Charlie: Oh god, we’re in our twenties.

[awkward silence]

Dane: While we all sit with the horror of the inexorable passage of time - 

Harry: It could be worse. We could all be dead. 

[even More awkward silence]

Charlie:  _ But  _ maybe Sebastien and Quynh  _ couldn’t -  _ if they’re immortal!

Harry: And there’s no evidence of - 

Charlie: Have you ever seen them injured? Has either of them gone to Anna for anything.

Dane: Injuries nothing, with the way he keeps the lab’s still in business, he should have keeled over from alcohol poisoning if there wasn’t  _ something  _ keeping him alive.

Trace: Put that in the Wolveine column - pro. 

Harry: I mean, come on, how often do any of  _ us  _ need to go to Anna for injuries, Charlie? Be realistic. 

Kimber: Honestly, do any of you know these two well enough to be speculating?

[Charlie nods, erasing the bottom half of the board - largely empty except for the lines dividing the columns - and draws a horizontal line across. Below it he writes ‘What we know about Quynh and Sebastien’]

Harry: I mean, they were with the caravan with Harvey and Quynh and….

Trace: Oh no, don’t you start.

Harry: …. so Trace should know the most about them.

[Trace throws a pillow at him.]

Charlie: Right, so they last lived in Arizona [he circles ‘last lived in Arizona’ from the Batman - con column and puts an arrow to ‘What we know about Quynh and Sebastien,’] and they came up with Harvey and Quinn and the rest of the trade caravan - they were their security, right?

Dane: Because Le Livre has so many guns…

Trace: And Quynh is  _ terrifying  _ with that crossbow. Quynh. Quinn. Quynh. Quinn. You think that ever tripped them up?

Harry: Probably. 

Charlie: So they were with the caravan when it came to Fort Hadley - why’d they even stay, anyway? Why not stick with the caravan?

Harry: They had skills, Albright was more than happy to have them. It’s safer than being on the road. More reliable meals. 

Charlie: And you - [he points at Harry] - think that Sebastien was military - French military - pre-vi. Do we know anything else?

Kimber: I think Sebastien said they met a year before the virus?

Harry: Wait, really? I would have sworn they’d known each other for longer than that, with -

Charlie: See! See! 

Harry: I am not -

Charlie: Maybe  _ centuries  _ longer, right?

Harry:  _ No.  _

Trace: It does seem odd.

Harry: No. Just no. Look, everything about -  _ this -  _ makes things different. I didn’t even know who Kimber was a year before the virus. Dane and I had met like - three times at science fair competitions. You stick tight to the people you’ve got, right?

[Dane coughs]

Charlie: Do we even know who else they had, before the virus?

Kimber: I ...

Charlie: What?

Kimber: Well… Sebastien mentioned he hadn’t been talking to his family before the virus. 

Trace: Ouch.

Kimber: Said it was his fault. 

Trace: Still. 

Charlie: Maybe they’re still alive. Maybe - maybe they’re like him. 

Dane: How do you know so much?

Kimber: I don’t know! We were just talking about Adrian…

Harry: None of this says anything about -

Trace: What about Quynh?

Kimber: She doesn’t really talk about -

Harry: I mean, her family left her, but that’s not - 

Charlie: Wait, what?

Harry: That’s what she said! It’s not important! 

Charlie: Neither have them have talked about their family or anyone else being - you know.

Harry: This isn’t some sort of - vampire coven we’re talking about here -

Dane: I mean, if they’re talking about blood family, there might be a genetic component.

Trace:  _ Blood  _ family. Ah ah ah. 

Harry: No. 

Charlie: What do  _ you  _ know about them, Trace?

Harry: Yeah, if you’re going to crack wise - 

Trace: Look, Albright has me knock on people’s doors if they’re not up for duty shift, right?   
  
Harry: Because you’re ‘human resources.’

Trace: Right. And they’re almost  _ never _ up for duty shifts on time. I mean, they get up quick enough -   
  
Dane: (indistinct) Gun in hand, I’m sure -    
  
Trace: But I swear, the way they sleep you’d think the apocalypse is the first time they’ve had a good night’s sleep in a couple centuries. 

Kimber: (indistinct)  _ It’s not the apocalypse.  _

Charlie: But what if they  _ haven’t. _

(Pause)  
  
Trace: C’mon, Charlie.   
  
Harry: I mean, before they reorganized the bunking arrangements, there were a couple days where I was sleeping in the room next to - 

Charlie: What?

[Harry shakes his head]

Trace: Harry, what -?

Harry: Quynh woke up screaming. So I don’t think they’re sleeping too well.

Kimber: Was she -

Harry: She was fine. It was a nightmare. 

Trace: And -

Harry: I went and knocked on the door. She was fine, Sebastien was just sitting with her and reminding her to breathe and stuff. And no, Charlie, she hadn’t woken up and stabbed him with her ‘Wolverine claws’ because of the nightmare, there was no -

Charlie: Alright, alright -

Harry: All of which, by the way, is consistent with two people who were formerly military or - whatever - and saw some shit! So let’s not - 

Dane: Because we all have such good experiences with people with guns who run around thinking of themselves as military.

Harry: They don’t -

Dane: I’m just saying, I’m surprised  _ you’re _ defending them.

Harry: Look, I’m not saying we shouldn’t keep an eye on them. But we don’t have to go  _ crazy  _ with - with conspiracy theories. Just because a couple people managed to survive the apoc - virus, doesn’t mean they’re  _ centuries old immortals _ .  __

Trace: Yeah, let’s keep it to one sci fi trope at a time. 

Harry: … y’know, if you’re agreeing with me, it’d help to -

Trace: Oh, I’m just here for a good time. I think we should try and figure out if Hobbes is an alien next. 

Harry: Alright - give me the camera -- 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Solstice!

[The following is a transcript of a video recording found in the Independent Information Initiative records, from a set recovered from Burtke custody. The original video footage no longer survives]

[Witt stares at the camera]

Witt: He’s alive. 

[Pause]

Witt: I mean, he was alive ten years ago. He might not - 

[Pause. Witt looks directly at the camera.]

Witt: They lied.

[Witt laughs.]

Witt: And - I don’t even know why I’m surprised. 

[Pause]

Witt: And everything that happened - that must have happened - it’s not even on  _ camera!  _ I’m trying to figure out what - what happened from what they’re  _ saying  _ when half of it is just - more nonsense! I don’t! Know! What an X-Men is! And I know what a wolverine is but they’re talking about something  _ different _ because  _ wolverines  _ aren’t  _ immortal  _ and I - 

[Pause. Witt gathers herself.]

Witt: And I -

[Pause]

Witt: They are - discussing an incursion on the Burtke territory. Ten years ago. Retrieving a prisoner and a - a family friend. 

[Pause]

Witt: Joe and Nicky, Booker… and Andy. He did know them. They …

[Pause]

Witt: They rescued him. From the Burtkes. 

[Pause. Witt looks out the window.]

Witt: I -

[Pause]

[Witt turns and hits the space bar with anger]

===

6-2025-3   
Clip 197

[The bunkroom]

Harry: So, uh. What the hell.

Trace: Yeah.

Harry: I mean, I’m glad they’re back, but what  _ was  _ that? And those -

Kimber: [offscreen] What’s going on?

Trace: Oh! Sorry, did we wake you up?

Kimber: I guess it’s morning.

Trace: Come in - here, we can explain for the record and explain to you!

Kimber: Explain  _ what? _

Trace and Harry: So - 

Harry: You tell it. 

Trace: So last night, there was this shouting - it woke us up, right? Well, it woke Harry up, and then Harry woke me up - so Quynh and Sebastian were arguing with one of the security guards - 

Harry: Ezra - they had the night shift. 

Trace: - right, and Anna, who was working late - and then Albright got pulled into it - 

Kimber: What did they  _ want? _

Trace: Quynh was saying someone was in trouble - she was talking about Burtke stuff - 

Charlie: [offscreen] Is everyone okay?

Trace: We’re fine - in here -

Harry: Let’s just make it a sleepover.

Trace: Is it a sleepover if the sun’s already up?

Charlie: I was talking to - I heard there was trouble? And new people?

Trace: We were just telling Kimber - Quynh was up in the middle of the night saying someone was in trouble, she and Sebastien took off, and all night we had no idea what happened to them - 

Charlie: For a minute I was worried you might’ve - 

Harry: Hah. One nigh-suicidal rescue mission for strangers was  _ more  _ than enough. 

Trace: Really angling for word of the day, huh?

Kimber: What do you mean, new people?

Charlie: Well - 

Harry: More Black people, for one. 

Trace: So we had no idea what happened to them, and then like, an hour ago Quynh and Sebastien showed up again with [she counts on her fingers] five new people. Nile, Copley, Andy, Joe, and - what was his name?

Harry: Joe’s husband, Nicky. Nicolo?

Charlie: I’ve heard it both ways. 

Trace: Right, so - 

Charlie: But how did they know someone - Nile and the rest - was in trouble?

[Trace and Harry shrug]

Charlie: You don’t think that’s weird?

Harry: Oh, not this again - 

Trace: Everything about this situation is weird. 

Charlie: But how does she know that someone that no one else knows was in trouble -

Trace: It would have been miles and miles away, if they were really at the Burtkes.

Charlie: See! See! That’s not a normal human thing. What if she has a - some sort of psychic link with other - vampires or immortals or -?

Harry: Oh, come on. 

Trace: I mean - 

Harry:  _ Trace. _

Trace: No, I swear, Anna told me that Quynh kept saying that Nile was in danger and that she was seeing the Burtkes - seeing -!

Charlie: Because she’s  _ psychically linked - _

Trace: And then they turn up with a woman named Nile -!   
  
Harry: Oh come on Charlie - 

Charlie: What’s your explanation? She called Quynh? On the nonfunctional cell towers?

Harry: They have contacts with the trade caravans, they might have heard from someone - 

Charlie: In the middle of the night?!?

Harry: We don’t even know what really happened -! 

Charlie:  _ Psychically. Linked.  _

Harry: Oh for the love of - are you going to put  _ Professor X  _ on your whiteboard - 

Charlie: Wait - hang on - I’ll get it -!

[Charlie runs out]   
  
Harry: Wh - I WAS  _ JOKING! _

Trace: There you go, Harry.

[Harry sighs]

6-2025-3   
Clip 198

[The lounge outside the Greenden labs]

Trace: So it turns out the whiteboard doesn’t fit in the bunkrooms. 

Harry: [offscreen] This is  _ so  _ unnecessary. 

Charlie: You brought it up! 

Harry: How has someone not erased this yet? … Charlie, did you write this in permanent marker?

Charlie: What? No! Look! Perfectly good whiteboard marker! 

[Charlie writes in a new column ‘Quynh is Professor X / a telepath?’]

Trace: Maybe she’s Jean Grey.

Harry: Oh yes, that would explain how she survived the virus, she was resurrected by a series of increasingly improbable retcons - 

Charlie: Is this pre or post Phoenix Saga?

Harry: As long as it’s not the shitty Last Stand version -

[Collective groans]

Trace: If we are going to be carrying on the X-Men by - by storytelling, can we pretend that movie didn’t happen?

Harry: _ Yes. _

Charlie: If we’re going to be carrying on the X-Men in spoken word storytelling, we need - 

Charlie and Trace: - Jay and Miles X-Plain the X-Men.

Charlie: … I wonder if they survived the virus.

[Uncomfortable silence]

Kimber: I have no earthly idea what you’re talking about. 

Harry: So you’re saying Sebastien is Wolverine, who survived the virus by being ‘basically immortal’, and Quynh is Jean Grey, who survived the virus via the power of retcons.

Charlie: Don’t roll your eyes at me, Harry Freemont. [Charlie writes ‘Jean Grey’ under ‘Quynh is Professor X / a telepath?’]

Harry: … Did you just try and full-name me? 

Trace: What about the others?

Harry: So what, does that make - what’s her name, Andy? - does that make her Cyclops?

Trace: Come on, can you picture Cyclops going ham with an axe?

Charlie: An axe - ?

Trace: She uh. She had an axe. And a lot of blood. 

Harry: I think some of the others had swords? Joe and Nicky, for sure - 

Kimber:  _ Swords? _

Charlie: From their past - carried through centuries - 

Harry: Oh come on, they probably got them from Ren Faire surplus when bullets ran out - 

Trace: There was an awful lot of blood.

Kimber: What did Anna say?

Trace: Most of them didn’t need patching up

Charlie: So they came back covered in blood, not a scratch on them -

Harry: Oh for - what if it wasn’t theirs?

Trace: Anna says she saw bullet holes in their clothes -   
  
Harry: What about Andy? Didn’t Anna have to stitch up -

Trace: - a graze, yeah.

Harry: See! Not ‘invulnerable’.

Charlie: Does that make Andy the Xander?

Harry: Not with that axe. Xander was never that cool. 

Trace: The closest Xander could hope for would be axe bodyspray.

Harry: Ugh. 

Charlie: Never again will we walk high school hallways filled with  _ that  _ smell.

[Uncomfortable silence.]

Trace: Does that make Joe and Nicky - what, Northstar and Kyle?

Harry: That would make one of them a baseline human, so explain that one, Charlie.

Trace: Is Nile Storm, then…?

Charlie: Guys… what if they’re like the Five, from Sanctuary? You know, experiments with the supernatural made them immortal -

Harry: Wasn’t that the show with vampire Nicola Tesla?   
  
Trace: Yeah, and Amanda Tapping…

Charlie: And then Andy is the one non-immortal, like - 

Trace: Yeah.

Harry: But they weren’t like, immortal forever. Didn’t one of them - 

Trace: Ugh, yeah.

Kimber: What do you think Albright is going to do?

Harry: Well, I’m sure she’s going to be very happy to be the commander of the new X-Men, apparently. If they can take on the Burtkes - 

Charlie: Days of Future Past didn’t predict this timeline. 

Harry: Let’s hope one of them is Kitty Pryde, so they can send her back to the past with a vaccine.

[Uncomfortable silence.]

Trace: What number Earth do you think we’re on at this point?

Kimber: So are these - are these people Sebastien and Quynh  _ know? _

Harry: Oh yeah - 

Trace: Yeah, these are old friends. Well, maybe not - what’s his name? Copley?

Harry: Copley, yeah. 

Charlie: That’s not a first name, is it?

Harry: I think they have a weird nickname system - they kept calling Sebastien ‘Booker’.

Charlie: Booker?

[Kimber laughs]

Charlie: What?

Kimber: None of you ever took French, did you?

Charlie: No…

Kimber: ‘Livre’ means ‘book’.

[Silence]

Harry: … that’s the most ridiculous thing about all of this. [He gets up and takes the whiteboard marker from Charlie, adds ‘&co’ to ‘What we know about Quynh and Sebastien’ and writes ‘Ridiculous nicknaming’ underneath.’]

Charlie: What if it’s a codenames thing…?

Harry: No. Just. No.

Trace: … you think this was the family the two of them talked about?

[long silence]

Dane: [offscreen] Harry - oh, this again?

Harry: What is it?

Dane: Albright wants us - Trace, you too, you were there last night.

Harry: Well, I assume this is more important than figuring out if the new arrivals are  _ X-Men  _ or  _ vampires -  _

Trace: Charlie, can you get the camera?

Charlie: Yeah - [Charlie walks towards the camera, but the camera doesn’t turn off. Charlie walks away.]

[Extended timelapse]

Quynh: [offscreen] - should - oh. [She laughs] ‘Bastién! Bastién, come on, you have to see this - 

[Battery Warning]

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this niche crossover, comments and kudos are are much appreciated :) Until the end!


End file.
